Earlier we discussed
our attitudes on corporal punishment in parenting. That issue arises most often with younger
children. Now, we want to address our interaction
with children becoming young adults. Our
experiences helped teach us the need for flexibility in parenting. No one best way to parent exists and what
works one time may not at others.
Parents need rules and principles, but they also need situational
awareness. Sometimes rigidity and preconceived
notions must give way to understanding a child’s personality and
predisposition. In the words of the old
Kenny Rogers hit about gambling, a parent must know when to hold ‘em and know
when to fold ‘em.
Rob’s refereeing assignment.
Having a second family as he did with children born in the 80s and 90s,
Rob faced modern issues his parents didn’t see − drug use, weak commitment to
education, aggressive insistence on reasons for every rule and decision. One of Rob’s daughters forced him to mediate
between her and her mother. The daughter
demonstrated little interest in adhering to many of her mother’s expectations
about academic performance and general demeanor. They frequently ended up in shouting matches
and the daughter absented herself from home for long periods, spending many
nights with friends.
Old school
parenting mandated requiring that the daughter conform to her mother’s wishes
about grades, homework, partying, and boys.
Rob surmised that such an approach would fail with this daughter, given
her personality, and trying it might produce more turmoil and, potentially, risked
permanently losing her to bad behavior.
He opted to let the daughter “punch herself out” by ignoring her rages
against her mother and settling for adherence to minimum standards of conduct.
The strategy
worked. Gradually, the daughter’s
bluster subsided. She cleaned up her act
enough to finish high school with a credible academic record, graduated from a
major state university, and now works in her chosen field. Trying to make her conform wasted energy and
insufficiently credited her creativity, resourcefulness, and entrepreneurial
potential. This more flexible approach
recognized the value in finding a way to get the daughter to do the things she
needed to do to set herself up for a successful life, not just make her
conform.
Woodson calms down. The Walker family reports a not
dissimilar experience. Uncompromising disciplinarians about academics,
Woodson and his wife saw academic excellence as the best avenue for African
American children to escape the limitations imposed by a racist society. Being
subjected themselves to segregated education, in largely inferior schools, then
required to compete with white counterparts unhindered by such drawbacks, forged
an enduring belief in education as a pathway to success.
One son, as early
as eighth grade, expressed a desire to attend Howard University, one of the
nation’s top historically black colleges. Upon graduation from high school he
applied to Howard, but hedged his bets by also applying to Atlanta’s Morehouse
College and Hampton University in Virginia. When Howard did not initially
accept him, he said, “I guess it’s not God’s will that I go to Howard. It must be His will that I go to Hampton.”
Woodson took the
comment as violating the family commitment to academic excellence, which he
thought Howard offered above the others, and a commitment to making no excuses.
Woodson went ballistic. He admonished
the son about making excuses and reminded him, forcefully, that if he wanted
something as badly as he professed to wanting to go to Howard, quitting at the
first sign of resistance was not an option.
Upon further
review, Woodson realized the fallacy in responding as he did. This son always showed a thoughtful and
sensible side. He reacted well to reason
and exhibited perseverance in most of his endeavors. No reason existed for getting in his face to
convince him he need not give up on his Howard dream. Careful reasoning and encouragement that he
exhaust every possible avenue should have been, and ultimately was, the way to
reach him.
Through
persistence, the son eventually got into Howard and succeeded there. In hindsight, Woodson recognized that the
screaming was not necessary. A better
approach would have been a calm explanation of the virtues of never giving up
on a dream.
Henry’s contract.
At one point Henry’s older son's interest in girls and in having fun
exceeded his interest in school. The son had been an exemplary student until
this funfest behavior appeared. The
situation presented a parenting dilemma because it brought Henry face to face with
a challenge to the norms he’d learned himself as a child and had always
enforced as a parent. Instinct,
training, and tradition dictated coming down hard on the son to force him to
change his ways. Henry opted not to do
that. He and his wife proposed a
contract with the son. That agreement
included precise behavior requirements, goals, and penalties. Instead of imposing
rules from on high, the parents engaged the son on a rational level. By knowing when to back off and find a
solution that really could solve the problem, Henry diffused the situation and
kept his son engaged and interested in his education. The son understood both the purpose and
necessity of this approach and within a year was back on track.
So, we’ve
learned from our experiences. We present these stories, not as templates but as
examples of how we diffused volatile and troublesome situations in ways that
produced positive outcomes. Parents should have principles, but good results
depend on multiple factors. We’ve come to believe flexibility counts for a lot.
Give us your story.
