Parenting Advice 101: Know When to Hold 'Em, Know When to Fold 'Em

Earlier we discussed our attitudes on corporal punishment in parenting.  That issue arises most often with younger children.  Now, we want to address our interaction with children becoming young adults.  Our experiences helped teach us the need for flexibility in parenting.  No one best way to parent exists and what works one time may not at others.  Parents need rules and principles, but they also need situational awareness.  Sometimes rigidity and preconceived notions must give way to understanding a child’s personality and predisposition.  In the words of the old Kenny Rogers hit about gambling, a parent must know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em.

Rob’s refereeing assignment.  Having a second family as he did with children born in the 80s and 90s, Rob faced modern issues his parents didn’t see − drug use, weak commitment to education, aggressive insistence on reasons for every rule and decision.  One of Rob’s daughters forced him to mediate between her and her mother.  The daughter demonstrated little interest in adhering to many of her mother’s expectations about academic performance and general demeanor.   They frequently ended up in shouting matches and the daughter absented herself from home for long periods, spending many nights with friends.

Old school parenting mandated requiring that the daughter conform to her mother’s wishes about grades, homework, partying, and boys.  Rob surmised that such an approach would fail with this daughter, given her personality, and trying it might produce more turmoil and, potentially, risked permanently losing her to bad behavior.  He opted to let the daughter “punch herself out” by ignoring her rages against her mother and settling for adherence to minimum standards of conduct.

The strategy worked.  Gradually, the daughter’s bluster subsided.  She cleaned up her act enough to finish high school with a credible academic record, graduated from a major state university, and now works in her chosen field.  Trying to make her conform wasted energy and insufficiently credited her creativity, resourcefulness, and entrepreneurial potential.  This more flexible approach recognized the value in finding a way to get the daughter to do the things she needed to do to set herself up for a successful life, not just make her conform.

Woodson calms down. The Walker family reports a not dissimilar experience. Uncompromising disciplinarians about academics, Woodson and his wife saw academic excellence as the best avenue for African American children to escape the limitations imposed by a racist society. Being subjected themselves to segregated education, in largely inferior schools, then required to compete with white counterparts unhindered by such drawbacks, forged an enduring belief in education as a pathway to success.

One son, as early as eighth grade, expressed a desire to attend Howard University, one of the nation’s top historically black colleges. Upon graduation from high school he applied to Howard, but hedged his bets by also applying to Atlanta’s Morehouse College and Hampton University in Virginia. When Howard did not initially accept him, he said, “I guess it’s not God’s will that I go to Howard.  It must be His will that I go to Hampton.”

Woodson took the comment as violating the family commitment to academic excellence, which he thought Howard offered above the others, and a commitment to making no excuses. Woodson went ballistic.  He admonished the son about making excuses and reminded him, forcefully, that if he wanted something as badly as he professed to wanting to go to Howard, quitting at the first sign of resistance was not an option. 

Upon further review, Woodson realized the fallacy in responding as he did.  This son always showed a thoughtful and sensible side.  He reacted well to reason and exhibited perseverance in most of his endeavors.  No reason existed for getting in his face to convince him he need not give up on his Howard dream.  Careful reasoning and encouragement that he exhaust every possible avenue should have been, and ultimately was, the way to reach him.

Through persistence, the son eventually got into Howard and succeeded there.  In hindsight, Woodson recognized that the screaming was not necessary.  A better approach would have been a calm explanation of the virtues of never giving up on a dream.

Henry’s contract.  At one point Henry’s older son's interest in girls and in having fun exceeded his interest in school. The son had been an exemplary student until this funfest behavior appeared.  The situation presented a parenting dilemma because it brought Henry face to face with a challenge to the norms he’d learned himself as a child and had always enforced as a parent.  Instinct, training, and tradition dictated coming down hard on the son to force him to change his ways.  Henry opted not to do that.  He and his wife proposed a contract with the son.  That agreement included precise behavior requirements, goals, and penalties. Instead of imposing rules from on high, the parents engaged the son on a rational level.  By knowing when to back off and find a solution that really could solve the problem, Henry diffused the situation and kept his son engaged and interested in his education.  The son understood both the purpose and necessity of this approach and within a year was back on track.

So, we’ve learned from our experiences. We present these stories, not as templates but as examples of how we diffused volatile and troublesome situations in ways that produced positive outcomes. Parents should have principles, but good results depend on multiple factors. We’ve come to believe flexibility counts for a lot.  Give us your story.